Will Cuss For Bud

In general, I find that beer commercials are deadly dull.  They aren’t funny and are usually belittleing to men.  That’s why they are on and off the air faster that their products are supposed to dissapear.  But when this commercial was brought to my attention by a very dear friend of mine, it was hard for me to grasp that it was a commercial intended to sell beer!!

It’s clever (well sort of), and funny, if not a tad bit unrealistic.  Everything that you could possibly want in a commercial.  What’s more, if you had quaffed several gallons of their product, it would seem even better!  But as you all know, drinking is bad for you.  And you should never, never do it.  Need I say more (cough Lindsay Lohan  cough, cough….)?

The First of a Whole Slew Of Random Chuck Norris Jokes

As many of my dear friends know, I am a huge fan of Chuck Norris jokes.  So, I will be posting a Chuck Norris joke every once in a while.  There is, however one thing I must say; I know that you have heard all of these jokes before (unless you live in Antarctica), but I do not care.  These jokes are always funny to me, and you had better get the same attitude.  So here is the first.

When Chuck Norris comes in from an all night drinking party, he doesn’t throw up.  He throws down.

Maximum Security……Daycare?

I was sitting in the local laundromat the other day (yes, the laundromat.  It’s spring, and you are going next Sunday so shut up.) observing the world, when I noticed that the church next to the laundromat runs a maximum security prison, er, daycare.  There is this little playground fenced in with heavy duty chainlink fence, and for every one kid out there, two teachers are present.  When these kids go on walks, they are put on leashes.  When they go for rides in the strollers, each child is required to wear a 5-point locking racing harnesses.  There has been one lapse in security, however.  A woman (hopefully the mother), left with a little boy (hopefully her son).  One of the teachers had to chase the woman down the street to get her to come back.  Surprisingly, even after all of these safety precautions, the kids seem quite happy.  They are all having fun.  This raises the question, do inmates at a maximum security jail have this much fun?  And I suppose they do.  They harass eachother on a daily basis and work on making shivs out of razors and toothbrushes.  So, in hindsight, yes, maximum security institutions can be regarded as fun.  But don’t go trying to get in one.  We are talking about jail and daycare, neither of which are appropriat places for anyone from the ages of 7-21 years of age.  Remeber that, and if you don’t, you might find yourself in a maximum security daycare (a.k.a prison for the minor leagues).

Always Call That Number!

Recently I had an experience that I think I should share with you.  This proves the point that you should always write down the ‘How’s My Driving?’ number on the back of trucks.

6:30 A.M.  I was awakened by 318,000 lbs. of trash truck hurtling down my street at 80 mph.  Careening into the St. Agnes parking lot, he proceeded to slam into the nearest dumpster.  Unfortunately, he missed.  Sadly, this warranted trying again.  This time, he was successful.  Lifting the Dumpster to empty it, the guy banged and rattled it until he was absolutely sure that it was empty.  Slamming it back down, he decided that he was not too happy with its placement.  He finally got it where he liked it after three tries.  He executed a 12 point turn, and suddenly found himself incapable of leaving the parking lot effectively (in other words, he got tangled up in the fence).  After 10 minutes of untangling, the truck was free, and he left the lot going 120 mph. out of my neighborhood.

Upon calling the number on the back of the truck, I was informed that all drivers were required to go through a rigorous training course to become certified. Right.  This has raised the bar on my opinion of trash truck drivers.

Fast Food Ain’t Fast (Or Food)

Now, for some reason, fast food tycoons like McDonald’s and Wendy’s have come to the conclusion that pre-cooked food is better than cooked-on-the-spot food. I’m not 100% sure why it is, but it results in a burger that is full of everything, including the dog from down the street. Lots of this meat is frozen, then thawed, then ‘cooked’ (warmed up). These frozen patties are so rock-hard that they could kill a man (except for Chuck Norris who would kill you first). But look at Taco Bell. It’s fast and they cook it on the spot. They put the quesadillas and tacos together and cook them, not warm them. Since this is actually filling, it gives you grounds to actually yell their slogan, “I’m Full!!” at the top of your lungs. Where else is the slogan true? McDonald’s “I’m Lovin’ It”? Nope, I’m not loving it. I have to admit though, I did take Wendy’s advice. I did what tasted right. I went to Taco Bell, and yes, I’m lovin’ it.