Smiting Humans 101

The number 1 way for someone up there to smite us humble humans is to make the temperature soar to a stiflingly hot 100 degrees.  In fact, the other day, the temperature was a mind-numbing 98.7 degrees Fahrenheit.  At temperatures this high, the tar on the streets melts and sticks to your $65 BMX shoes.  Then, you track it inside, and it ruins your floors, incurring that wrath of your parents.  Another thing the heat does is soften any gum that is on the sidewalk (but what kind of loser spits gum out on the sidewalk anyway?).  That way, it too gets stuck to the bottom of your $65 BMX shoes.  This happened today to one of my friends.  He got gum on the bottom of his shoe, which in turn transferred it to his board.  We took it back to my house, where we successfully removed the gum from his skateboard, but we were unsure about how to do so with the shoe.  We ended up using my belt sander to remove the gum and a layer of rubber from the bottom of his shoe.  Success!  Another result of the heat is laziness.  While I was up at the center today, a woman called 911 because she was having a baby.  The fire fighters and EMT’s drove the 50 feet to the center from the station.  They could have walked there in half the time.  Then again, they were a little late getting out, as they were in the middle of grilling up a nice steak or five, but that is off topic.  So whenever the next heatwave hits, avoid sidewalks (might have gum), and streets (might have wet tar).  Also avoid culinary obsessed EMT’s, and crabby pregnant women.  On second thought, don’t even leave your house.  It’s not like you have anything to do with your summer anyway…

I’m (not allowed to be) a Big Kid Now

I was recently visiting a local Toys ‘R’ Us to peruse their very meager stock of ‘toys’, when i heard a kid who was looking at the video games say, “That game sucks!”  The sales associate in that department responded, “Hey kid, we don’t say bed words here.” This person proceeded to follow the kid’s family around until they left.  I found this amusing because this employee was only 18 or 19 years old and probably used that word more then you would want to know. This ridiculous situation underscored an important point; the reason that the bigwigs at Toys ‘R’ Us don’t like the word ’suck’ is because Toys ‘R’ Us sucks!  Countless stores have gone under and those remaining have next to nothing in them.  So, for your sake, next time you’re at Tyrants ‘R’ Us, keep your opinions to yourself so you don’t get followed around by hypocritical salespeople.

Maximum Security……Daycare?

I was sitting in the local laundromat the other day (yes, the laundromat.  It’s spring, and you are going next Sunday so shut up.) observing the world, when I noticed that the church next to the laundromat runs a maximum security prison, er, daycare.  There is this little playground fenced in with heavy duty chainlink fence, and for every one kid out there, two teachers are present.  When these kids go on walks, they are put on leashes.  When they go for rides in the strollers, each child is required to wear a 5-point locking racing harnesses.  There has been one lapse in security, however.  A woman (hopefully the mother), left with a little boy (hopefully her son).  One of the teachers had to chase the woman down the street to get her to come back.  Surprisingly, even after all of these safety precautions, the kids seem quite happy.  They are all having fun.  This raises the question, do inmates at a maximum security jail have this much fun?  And I suppose they do.  They harass eachother on a daily basis and work on making shivs out of razors and toothbrushes.  So, in hindsight, yes, maximum security institutions can be regarded as fun.  But don’t go trying to get in one.  We are talking about jail and daycare, neither of which are appropriat places for anyone from the ages of 7-21 years of age.  Remeber that, and if you don’t, you might find yourself in a maximum security daycare (a.k.a prison for the minor leagues).

Behind the Beard

I feel that I need to clarify a few things here about Chuck Norris.

1. He cannot really fight, it’s the beard and his breath that knocks out the other guy.

2. Yes, he is the only person on Earth that can believe that it is not butter.

People always tell jokes about how Chuck once kicked a man so hard that it killed him and all of his extended family and friends. This is false. It was the BEARD!!! That patch of hair is the beastliest face of hair on the planet. Chuck Norris has also never seen a breath freshener, and this seems to work to his advantage. Mr. Norris is also the only man on Earth who can break a table in half with his fist. Impressive? No, that table, my friends, was made of 100% all natural balsa wood. This man has become the central hub of ‘Chuck Norris’ jokes all around the world, and this is so utterly ridiculous, that it actually makes people laugh. This is why the Walker Texas Ranger Lever is a great invention. So, please, enjoy this lever.

That Guy is Wylde!

Zakk Wylde.  Great player, not so great look.  Before and After.  Take a look for yourself.  He was actually normal!  Now, he is, dare i say it, wylde looking.  But he still plays a mean guitar, as does Slash.  They are both world famous, and real good.  Just watch this. Oh yes…

Do Something Productive With Your Free Time, and I Don’t Mean This

People do lots of different things with their free time.  Some read, some do home improvement, but in the case of Ben Tyers, Brian Lum, Andrew Hicks, Ed Sharp, Kay Yamazaki, and Tom Baynham, they turned their house into a huge Rube Goldburg Machine.  Now before you start leaving me comments about how it’s not real, watch the whole thing…  Now you can say what you want.

Did I Say Public Affection Was Okay? I Meant No Way!

Yes, we have all seen them.  That one couple that always has to lay around on each other kissing in the middle of everything.  Now, my views on this are that it is okay, but only in your house or a pool cabana.  Just don’t let anyone see you.  Ever.  This leads into another topic of discussion.

Public Lounging

Too many teenagers think that it is cool and okay to hang out in public areas such as Arlington Center.  Since this has caused some problems in the past involving the police, the ‘popo’ (hip, teenage slang for police) have stationed a patrol car there to keep an eye on things.  The fact that they are doing this is making some of the local teens unhappy.  They claim the police have no right to do that.  This is a quote from a local dude (the original definition of dude was, “a dud with an attitude).

“Them popo don’t got no right sittin’ there and watchin’ us like we is some convicts.  We ain’t done nothin’ wrong.”

This is an actual quote.  This is also completely untrue.  Use this equation to decide for yourself…

T=Teenager;  D=Drugs;  P=Police;  A=Arrest

(T+D=A)=P

Think about it.  Really, do.

9 Year Old of the Day

No, sorry, there won’t be one of these every day, but I just wanted to share the coolness of this one particular 9 year old.  His name is Noah, and he is a crazy drummer.  One of the best I’ve seen, considering he uses 5 gallon buckets and a crash cymbal.  You have to give him props, he has only been drumming for a few weeks now, and he will start taking official lessons this summer.  He knows the pattern to a lot of songs, most of which I know how to play on guitar.  So, we play together.  This kid is like my brother and I’ve known him all his life.  He is seriously the next great stand-up comic.  He can recite all the Family Guy jokes and lines by heart, and he has some great jokes of his own.  Yeah, I know you’re jealous he’s not your brother…

Always Call That Number!

Recently I had an experience that I think I should share with you.  This proves the point that you should always write down the ‘How’s My Driving?’ number on the back of trucks.

6:30 A.M.  I was awakened by 318,000 lbs. of trash truck hurtling down my street at 80 mph.  Careening into the St. Agnes parking lot, he proceeded to slam into the nearest dumpster.  Unfortunately, he missed.  Sadly, this warranted trying again.  This time, he was successful.  Lifting the Dumpster to empty it, the guy banged and rattled it until he was absolutely sure that it was empty.  Slamming it back down, he decided that he was not too happy with its placement.  He finally got it where he liked it after three tries.  He executed a 12 point turn, and suddenly found himself incapable of leaving the parking lot effectively (in other words, he got tangled up in the fence).  After 10 minutes of untangling, the truck was free, and he left the lot going 120 mph. out of my neighborhood.

Upon calling the number on the back of the truck, I was informed that all drivers were required to go through a rigorous training course to become certified. Right.  This has raised the bar on my opinion of trash truck drivers.

Fast Food Ain’t Fast (Or Food)

Now, for some reason, fast food tycoons like McDonald’s and Wendy’s have come to the conclusion that pre-cooked food is better than cooked-on-the-spot food. I’m not 100% sure why it is, but it results in a burger that is full of everything, including the dog from down the street. Lots of this meat is frozen, then thawed, then ‘cooked’ (warmed up). These frozen patties are so rock-hard that they could kill a man (except for Chuck Norris who would kill you first). But look at Taco Bell. It’s fast and they cook it on the spot. They put the quesadillas and tacos together and cook them, not warm them. Since this is actually filling, it gives you grounds to actually yell their slogan, “I’m Full!!” at the top of your lungs. Where else is the slogan true? McDonald’s “I’m Lovin’ It”? Nope, I’m not loving it. I have to admit though, I did take Wendy’s advice. I did what tasted right. I went to Taco Bell, and yes, I’m lovin’ it.